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Plot: The second instalment in the Twilight Series. After her lover, Edward, abandons her, Bella Swann finds solace in her friend Jacob Black.


Saga: a series of events or a story stretching over a long period.

Well, at least the LONG PERIOD part of that definition is true of The Twilight Saga: New Moon. It goes FOREVER. And just when you think it is about to end… there’s still more. Of course they could cut the running time in half if they got rid of all the long shots of Kristen Stewart looking mopey!

And when did Twilight become s self important that it began to refer to itself as The Twlight Saga?

It just shows how delusional this whole ‘Twilight’ world is: it doesn’t even see that it is only an example of a less that mediocre being gobbled up by an people who genuinely don’t know any better.

I still find myself frustrated by the popularity of the Twilight series. Especially the films.

The films are characterised by poor production quality and scripts so lame that I can’t believe someone actually got paid to write that dialogue.

The acting is god-awful, The scenes where Bella wakes up screaming from nightmares in which she is old are hilarious! I hate to break it to you Bella, but those nightmares don’t affect only those girls with Vampires for boyfriends, they happen to all women over the age of twenty five.

I also resent the film trying to ram down the audience’s throats that The Twilight Saga is the modern day equivalent of Romeo and Juliet. The Twilight books and films have none of the skill, imagination or fully drawn characters that any of Shakespeare’s works have. Why devalue Shakespeare by aligning it with this drivel?

The story is silly. The characters motivation doesn’t even make sense. Why would Edward, the only person who can protect Bella from the evil vampires, abandon her?

And why is it that none of the men in this film seem to be able to keep their shirts on? May i remind you that this is Washington State.! Not the Caribbean! At least Taylor Lautner is BUFF. Robert Pattinson without a shirt is gangly and weird!

Moreover, the message that it sends to young girls (the film’s target audience) is especially disconcerting.

New Moon basically tells young girls that if a boy loves you he will leave you, and not contact you, you will spiral into a deep, dark depression (which is okay, because that’s glamorous and people will understand that you are just a girl in love), then after putting you through hell he will come back and ask you to marry him. And you should say yes, despite the fact that a) he is a masochistic jerk, b) put you (and your family) through hell, and c) he is a member of the undead and every day he struggles with the desire to kill you.

Towards the end of the film, there is a scene when Bella is surrounded by the Volturi (sort of like ‘Royal Vampires’) and they are acting all creepy and threatening, and she is really scared hiding behind Edward. I couldn’t help but think to myself, ‘WWBD’. WHAT WOULD BUFFY DO?

Simple: Kick Ass.

Something Bella Swann is entirely incapable of doing.

I wonder how the actors felt when they were filming this, knowing that what they were doing was complete and utter crap.


 

Should I See It?

Absolutely not!

Film:Twilight (Summit Entertainment)
Director: Catherine Hardwicke
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson.

Yes, say good night when you see Twilight because I promise that if you are not a female aged between 13 and 17, you will be catching up on some sleep!

In case you have been living under a rock, Twilight is the film adaptation of Stephenie Meyer’s harlequin-type romance for teens. Seventeen year old Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) who moves to Forks, Washington to live with her father and falls in love with vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson). Thrilling stuff, huh? Well, it should be, but unfortunately the film never rises above being an overhyped teen soap opera. The film doesn’t even embrace that status; it is too busy trying to be “deep” and “intense” and “romantic.” This film is as dull as the grey, cloudy skies in Forks, Washington; Edward is too busy being broody, and Bella too busy being moony for any actual character development to occur.

Catherine Hardwicke’s self indulgent direction does not do the film any favours. Neither does Melissa Rosenberg’s screenplay. The dialogue suffers from being pulled straight from Meyer’s novel, coming off awkward and stilted and, at times, almost embarrassing. Take for example Bella’s line “I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with Edward Cullen.” Puh-lease. When did you ever hear a seventeen year old girl use the word ‘irrevocably?’ Come to think of it, when did you hear anyone this side of the millennium use that word?

Robert Pattinson is okay, but is better once he lets go of his “this is Edward being intense look” and scrounges up some sort of personality. Kristen Stewart is the weakest link, which is unfortunate since Bella is the character the audience is supposed to empathise and engage with. Stewart is frustratingly emotionless and bland. Indeed when Edward is lamenting the fact that he can read the mind of everyone in the room bar Bella’s, I found myself exclaiming “that’s because she’s BORING!!!!”

The special effects are laughable, as is the sequence where Edward reveals why he can’t go out into the direct sunlight. No, it’s not because the sun burns his chalk white skin, causing him to shrivel up and die, it’s because he glitters. And I’m not talking a little sparkle; he glitters like a drag queen’s favourite sequined dress under the spotlight.

Ironically, it is in its most ‘human’ moments where Twilight delivers some promise. The scene where Edward takes Bella home to meet his family has elements of awkwardness and embarrassment, especially from Edward, that are just right. Similarly the montages of Bella and Edward just sitting and talking help settle the film into something more real. However, we never hear what they are actually discussing. Heaven forbid we get dialogue beyond-

EDWARD: We can’t be together. It’s too dangerous.
BELLA: But I don’t care! I love you!

Yawn!

This film has some serious issues with pacing. The first two- thirds are extremely trite. It is not until the final act where Bella is in danger of being attacked by some ‘bad’ vampires that the film really picks up. A little drama and suspense after ninety minutes of aforementioned boring dialogue is refreshing.

My main concern with Twilight in both its book and cinematic forms is the message it is sending to its target audience of young women. I do not mean to sound like a day time talk show host in saying this, but Twilight seems to exist in a world which second and even third wave feminism did not occur. Bella is not a heroine for today. She is constantly fainting, in constant need of rescuing, and cannot exist without defining herself in relation to a man, be it her father or Edward. Indeed, she believes she cannot exist at all without Edward.

All the female characters in the novel and the film seem to be defined by their relationship to a man- her mother to her stepfather, her girl friends in relation to their boyfriends, even the vampire clan are nicely paired off. Furthermore, Bella’s belief in Edward’s perfection identifies the male as a perfect, god- like creature, and therefore determines Bella (read the female) as inferior.

The success of the Twilight series is built on the readership of thousands of teenage girls, which begs the question, what kind of influence is this ‘phenomena’ exerting on its target audience? Do the filmmakers realise the image they are propagating? Probably not, as all the cast seem to regard the Bella/Edward relationship as terribly romantic.

The film is as misguided as Edward’s sneaking into Bella’s room to watch her sleep. It’s not romantic. It’s just creepy. And a little bit wrong.